Biggest TWAT yet

Road Rage

I was nearly unseated by a tail-gating TWAT in a white Astra Van - in a roadworks - TWICE!!!

It was a good day. The Sun was shining and the M3 had flowed well. I'd maintained a nice near-legal cruise into a light head wind and allowed the main flow of 90mph+ vehicles past on my right. Everyone was well-behaved and courtesy was alive and well on the roads. I pulled off onto the A311 at Junction 4 and entered the roundabout to turn right.

Traffic was jammed. There's an ill-thought-out set of cones limiting 4-lanes of in-coming traffic to just one and I'm sitting between them. I patiently wait for left and right before joining centre but I'm aware a white car nose is edging uncomfortably at me from the right (out of turn with the zipping the rest of us seemed to have worked out amicably enough to that moment).

I looked over my shoulder and gazed the little balding fella in a white T-shirt into letting me in safely. We mossied along at only near-wobble speed so I put my feet down and let a gap of 3-cars length open before pootling along to allow enough space to wobble upright. The left-hand-lane is closed off by cones. We pass beneath the motorway.

Matey in the white Adtra van (let's call him Dogtits); well, Dogbtits runs along about 6-inches (and I really am not exaggerating) off my tail pipes. I close my gap a little to give him room but he's back on my hide like a Harley-passenger to his rider.

I stop. Turn in my saddle, and politley gesture (no, honest - I did it with good humour) that I'd like a little more distance between the bike and his horn. He shouted through a 5-inch gap in the window that he believed I should speed up and close up with the 4x4 in front or remove myself from obstructing him. He returned to juggling his steering wheel and phone.

I shrugged this off. I'd had my remonstration and usually this results in some respect for my safety and reflection on the part of the driver that they are indeed committing an offence, or two around the traffic and behavioural Laws. Road rage.

Dogtits gets right in close again. I ease a little brake light to give him warning that he's too close, still. He moves left along the curb and forces down my right-hand-side nearly connecting with my knee and certainly near enough impacting the right pannier. There was no where for me to go now except through the cones. I wasn't angry - but I was not allowing this pig-nosed TWAT to threaten me without some comment.

I rode erratically for a second to see if he thought not to tail-gate (at 5-mph) but in fact he became more dangerous and was very close to really unseating me between his hard acceleration and softer but nose-dipping braking, which was getting ever-the-more late.

I'd had enough. Now I felt threatened and needed some self defence and two-wheels just doesn't allow for that. I pulled across the lane; an improvised road block, stopped, and dismounted.

I calmly walked to his passenger door. He was about 5' 6", maybe a little smaller or taller but a 6' 6" monster would have got nothing different just now. He was about 30 to 35m maybe younger. He was wearing a white T-shirt and I was not in a rage; nor did he seem to be.

I was strangly calm and quite satisfied to show my fleshy human face to Dogtits who had had no respect for this before now. He had a chance to be nice. He had a chance to bang out the door and to give me a chance to vent some stress at him. He chose not to. He looked a little surprised.

"Sir", I politely addressed the scroat bag, "would you wish me to call the Police now, or shall you?" I asked at normal volume. Dogtits was strangely quiet. A little pale, if I'm honest. "Sir!" I bellowed (and I mean bellowed). "You have just threatened me with your car, would you like me to call the Police for you to expalin your actions?" I know it's lame in print but I was determined not to show rage in myself.

Dogtits, his leather-clad mobile still in hand said something brave (I think) and floored his machine into a swerved left-hook explosively through the now bouncy cones and into the cordened off left lane and only narrowly past the concerned driver and passenger of the 4x4 to my front who had kindly dismounted to ensure I was alright. (Dogtit's antics had clearly upset them, too). The Astra van then carelessly sped through the junction and onward along the left-hand lane past the first Frimley turn off.

I noted Dogtit's plate as being "Cb GSY" before realising this couln't be right. The "b" was actually a destinctive "6" made to look like a "b". (See below for the ritual TWAT of the Year award) and re-mounted, throwing a genuine apology and thanks to the patience of the line behind.

A lady in another MPV thing pulled alongside at the lights to check that I was alright. Foolishly I didn't think to ask her to witness a complaint but I was touched by her concern.

At work I called the local Fuzz by their (0845) number and relayed the event and descriptions in honest but thorough deatial reitterating my conviction that Dogtits had tried to hit the bike and had nearly injured the bloke from the 4x4 in front, too. "We'll inform the patrol cars in the area." Said the nice mannered Copper. "If you wish to complain regarding the driver's actions you'll need to report to a Police station with your vehicle documents within 24-hours".

You mean, that's it? I behave and Dogtits gets off free? Pah. And I'M the one that needs the hassle of appearing in a Cop-Shop! Have modern Rozzers been so molley-coddled in training in traininers and H&S rubber truncheons that they can't run after the bad-guys because their boots are too tight? (I still remember when the pea was removed from their whistles - proof Coppers and referees sucked, in my young eyes at the time!)

Twat of the Year (so far...)

Do you know Dogtits?

11:55am October 2008
A311 Southbound off J4, M3
Astra Van, white, C6 GSY
White male, 28-35yrs, 5'6" - 5'8" (guess from sitting), pos. blue eyes, balding / shaven blonde head; a bit of a Jimmy Sommerville crossed with Ross Kemp on a rainy day.
White T-shirt
Black leather mobile case to narrow mobile with old-style thick antenna

(Potential for a fracture if I see the TWAT again: I'm pissed enough to follow him for an hour to take a pop, I'm sure. I even checked KwikFit On-line that the licence plate was correct. It is.)

Answers to Surrey Police on a Postcard, please.