Flat, Rat, and Spalt

After Dinner Moments

Before our Christmas Dinner (yes, it's early but there's not much opportunity to have the "office party" any later this month) I'd tripped over to M&S to buy some crackers. On the way I felt some vagueness in the new rear tyre; it felt very flat.

M&S's crackers are crap this year so I sprung along to Sainsbury's, which was full of crackers. Once I'd finished perving (cheesy that, wasn't it? - Groan) I took the bike to the air pump back at the Tescos in Camberley and queued for a 20p piece to check the tyres. "F&$ing robbery", a fellow air hunter exclaimed. I agree, Tesco's - this isn't hot air, just cold-pumped: we're not all filthy rich in Camberley, you know. Some of us are just visiting! Anyway, I couldn't attach the hose to my converter AND see the reading but it seemed to pump a lot of air in. "Crap". It must be ANOTHER puncture!! (Three tyres in just over a month?!!)

Later, once we had been out for dinner and I was back on Shadowfax for the ride home through the 0-degrees midnight mists of the Meon Valley I took us via Tesco's (Aldershot), which supplies air free - as it should be. 42psi: not a puff below target. Puncture? Surely not?

We nipped out of the top-end of Farnham onto the Shepherd's Flock roundabout and plasmarised a rat that popped off the curb into our path; chinchilla-wide cute eyes frozen in our solar-strength beam. Now, I know advice in a near accident is not to look at what you could hit. If you're riding through trees just don't look at them or you'll hit one; riding around a bend and get panicky then just look at the exit, relax, and you'll reach it (theory).

Those eyes were hypnotic though, I couldn't look away and with a slight chance our 6" tyre profile might meet the 3" rat's profile on a 9m-wide road he'd had every help from Providence that we'd not collide. I hit a badger with the Alpha this time last year and nearly wrote it off; the whole front fell off (the Alpha: I don't know about the badger as it'd flown off over the hedges). I didn't really want to hit this rodent for fear what might happen.

If you roll over a rabbit in a car it's quite a "thunk (thunk)" but that's like sleeping on a mattress with a pea beneath it compared to splatting a rat on a bike. This was bumpy! (Yuck). The other thing was that in a car you can check the rear view mirror for signs of life as you speed away (unless it's an old bloke or traffic warden you've knocked over - at least the old bloke - when you should stop and see they're "okay" after being dragged beneath the chassis).

Terry Pratchet's DEATH OF RATS (Artist's impression, obviously)

Here, in the dark and at an angle of banking for the corner I had no such opportunity. Was it a clean kill? Or was it just a cut across its back leaving it's teddy-bear-stare pleading for the killing stroke to come quickly; legs dangling uselessly but still twitching behind? Did it meet Terry Pratchet's DEATH OF RATS quickly, or did it linger on the frozen tarmac and have to wait for a fox to happen across it to tear it appart with its stinking teeth, or another vehicle to complete the job?

Perhaps the rear tyre's pressure problem had returned and the soft tyre had only caressed the animal's neck as it harmlessly breathed past? (Hmmn. It was a BIG bump). Most likely a flat rat splat, then?

Flat Rat Splat - look what's in all that road spray!

In the morning I re-checked the pressure (and for any remaining blood, snot, or fur) before setting off back up the road. 42psi, again. Relief, but weird. Sad for the rat, too.